Waiting, waiting, waiting!

Let’s just get this out of the way: I. HATE. WAITING.

There. I said it. I am probably the world’s most impatient person. EVER. It's something only God can truly work on, has been working on, and will probably CONTINUE to work on for the rest of my life here on Earth. I don’t like waiting on growth, waiting on relationships, waiting on exciting roadtrips, waiting on words of direction for the Lord, waiting while He prepares my future….waiting for the CIU wi-fi to load, waiting for TV shows to come out every week, waiting for dinner time when I'm especially hungry, waiting on friends to talk to me, waiting on the light to go green, waiting on….you get the general idea. Big or small, if it involves waiting on something, chances are I don’t like it.

That ESPECIALLY applies to the big things. Liiiiike this whole “waiting on a relationship” big thing.

I’m going to a church right now that is wrapping up a 10 week marriage series. Yes. A MARRIAGE SERIES. “Bethany…you’re talking about waiting…and being single…WHY on EARTH would you choose a church that spent your ENTIRE first semester of freshman year talking about MARRIAGE?”

(I’m also a little (edit: a lot) hyper as I write this. Just to put that out there…)

To be honest, I have no idea why I chose the church that I did. I have no idea why the idea of sitting in on 10 weeks of talking about marriage was appealing to me, or why I decided to wait it out through this really awkward life period I’m in right now. The only meaningful conclusion I can come to is, it WASN’T me. Choosing Midtown was totally, completely, UTTERLY a God thing, and I’m so thankful that He didn’t let me give in to my petty little “but Jesus I’m SINGLE” pity parties.

Now. Back to this whole waiting business.

Adam told a story this morning about the Jewish custom of betrothal…now affectionately known around Midtown as “engagement on steroids”. Essentially, as I understand it, in Jewish culture when a young man was betrothed to a young woman, they were legally bound to one another. To end the betrothal would be the rough equivalent of filing for a divorce. As soon as the betrothal was official, the young man would go away and begin preparing (a.k.a. building) a house and home for his beautiful wife to come live in with him after they got married. But the thing WAS, she had no idea when the house would be done, and so she had no idea when the love of her life would be coming to make the marriage official, and sweep her off to start their new lives together.

My reaction? “Ugh. Waiting. Cute waiting…but waiting.”

But essentially…isn’t that what life is all about? Waiting for something in the future that we have no timetable for? And I’m not really talking about marriage, or relationships, or jobs, or college acceptance or ANYTHING like that. I’m kind of talking about Jesus.

Jesus is the bridegroom of the church…and just like the bridegroom in Jewish culture, he’s gone away to prepare a place for us to live with Him. ETERNALLY. And we, His bride, the church, on earth, have NO idea when He will return to sweep us off for our new lives together. So isn’t life ITSELF, just a huge, momentous bundle of nothing but waiting for JESUS to come back? And we’re not just called to wait and twiddle our fingers, we’re called to use our lives to make more of Him. To know Him, and to make Him known.

So LIFE is nothing but waiting, but I suppose when you put into perspective that we’re waiting on Jesus, all those other little things kind of pale in comparison. Maybe common sense, but waiting is definitely something I've been struggling with lately, and this was definitely some much needed hammering of my perspective back into place. I am nowhere NEAR to being good at this, as much as I would like to say that I am. I'm still super impatient, and I still don't like waking up each day NOT KNOWING if this is the day that my life changes, or I finally get that one phone call, or I finally get that text that says I miss you, or that job that prepares me for my career or....I could go on. But I think essentially, God's pushed me to it and now He's pushing me through it. 

And the very fact that I'm still standing here and not ranting and raving on the phone to my little sister about how FRUSTRATED I am with impatience, is a sure sign that God is sovereign, in control, and able to change even the most stubborn hearts. I.E. MINE :) 

HAPPY NOVEMBER YA'LL! 

How Do I Compare?

At the beginning of the school year I was really struggling to see myself in any kind of good light. And I don't mean that to be self deprecating or "oh woe is poor and pitiful me!" at all. I just see my faults glaringly, and the areas God has gifted me in sparingly. Right around this time I got a phone call from the beautiful Pam Dodge...and we talked for a while, and finally as the conversation was winding down she said...

"Just remember Bethany, that any kind of comparison is an indication of pride." 

Like most of the things that Pam says (remind me to tell you the story of her praying for me in Brazil...) that little sentence kind of knocked me upside the head. ANY kind of comparison? Even the "Oh man...she's such a strong, mature, amazing woman of God. I am nothing like her...how will people ever see me as useful if there's Christian women like HER in the world?"

In case you haven't caught on yet, I'm guilty of comparing myself to people around me daily. Hourly, actually. Which is funny, because I've been asking God to reveal areas of pride in my life...and here they are! I was pretty surprised to find out that pride isn't just arrogance and "I could do better." It's this really sneaky mixture of self-pity, being self-centered, and false humility too. For example. How arrogant is it of me to look at another woman's growth and IMMEDIATELY think...well, how does that reflect on me? How can I do better than her? How can I somehow take HER lessons, HER growth, and make them mine to apply to my life?

To put it another way....how can I take her accomplishments and use them to make me feel valuable?

Because I'm trying to meet a standard I keep setting in my head. A standard defined by the accomplishments, talents and gifts of those around me. I take people's successes, make them my standard, and then try to blow past it because in my prideful heart if I truly tried I could do it better. And if that was the end of the story, it'd be a really vicious, really UGLY cycle because there's no getting out of it until you become an old, grumpy, dissatisfied cat lady.

But other people AREN'T the standard. In fact, other people don't matter! Because the standard is CHRIST...and if we're fighting to measure up to Christ on our own we're fighting a losing battle, because there is no way on earth I will ever measure up to a standard set by Christ. "Well....that's just as depressing isn't it?" you ask.

NOPE. Because Jesus met the standard for me. That's the beauty of the Gospel, God's heart, and Jesus Christ! He watched me struggle to measure up, and KNEW I would never be able to do it. He said "It's okay. You don't need to meet this. I've already done this for you....I've redefined who you are. Now trust me, and live as a new creation. Don't worry about other people...they grow in their own time. Keep your eyes trained on Me. We'll do this together."

But do I? No. Because I've got this nasty little habit of trying to live out of my own power...of thinking I can do it all on my own. There's that pride thing again. And I don't just do it with spiritual stuff...no way! There's always someone prettier, someone smarter, someone more athletic...always SOMEONE to compare myself to. And without fail, I will always, always do it. Why? Because I care a little too much about how other PEOPLE see me. Because I desire a little too much to have someone tell me I'm valuable, and forget a little too often about the One who already has.

And I guess that's the beauty of it....that God never lets me go :) He never lets me keep chasing people, never lets me struggle on my own. No matter how often I struggle, most of the time AGAINST Him, He continues pointing out my faults because He loves me to much to let me stay proud and independent of Him.

And the BEST part? He never holds me to the standard that I'm holding MYSELF! He never looks and says "Why can't you be more like my daughter over here? SHE'S already learned to trust me." Or "Why can't you pray more often like my son here? He knows what it means to dwell in My presence..." God holds me to a standard that Jesus has ALREADY fulfilled. And because that standard is met, pride is irrelevant. It's stupid! Because I. DIDN'T. MEET IT. I didn't do ANYTHING. I couldn't. Not of my own power, not of my own striving, no matter HOW often I compared myself to girls around me and thought I came out better or worse.

God wasn't repelled by my pride. He wasn't pushed away by my fallen, nasty nature. Which honestly blows my mind, because I think it's GROSS :P But I guess God doesn't work like us. Which is pretty much the best news EVER.

And ALL of this blows my mind!

Anyways :) this was rambling, and probably pretty scattered. And LONG. But it's been on my heart for a really long time, so I'm finally putting it out here :) God is so good!

Fall Break Shenanigans.

Beginning this post by saying I GOT TO COME HOME FOR FALL BREAK! Yep. That's just a teeny, tinny, liiiitle piece of my excitement. Suffice to say I feel really bad for the men sitting in front of me on the plane (who were from the military, and therefore very serious & intimidating) because as soon as the captain said "We are now beginning our final descent to Houston, Texas..." I started bouncing up and down in my seat going "Texas, texas, texas, texas...." over and over again. Yeah.

Pausing the actual "shenanigans" to think about something. I've been reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp (spelling FAIL) as part of my devotion....and if you haven't read it you should, because this woman writes truth in a very unique and somewhat convicting way. It made me start thinking about living life moment by moment...thinking about the joy, grace & gifts in each day as they come instead of looking towards the future constantly.....and yeah, I'm kind of awful at it :P

This weekend gave me a first look at how much that can change your outlook on life. I guess when you slow down and start to look for God in the moment, He actually starts to MEET you there :) I woke up this weekend content. Which is a big deal. For me. I'm bad at being content. And this idea of not worrying/looking towards tomorrow makes WAITING so much easier to! Because you know you have the day in front of you....and tomorrow comes, well tomorrow. With it's own worries & concerns & joys & grace & new mercies. How unbelievably comforting is that?! Knowing that the SECOND a problem or trial enters your life is the second that God also graces you with the perseverance, trust, comfort of His presence, and love to deal with it.

I'd love to sit here and tell you all about the hilarious adventures of Bethany, Rachel & Patricia: Fall Break Edition. But the truth is, we really didn't do much of anything. And it was WONDERFUL :D There was a lot of laying around, a lot of TV watching, and a lot of late night baking. Slash cooking. Slash attempting to make Taco Bell food better than the Taco Bell Company. So yeah, THAT got interesting ;)

Patricia introduced us to the show Supernatural, which is you haven't seen it is a show about two brothers who take on all manners of supernatural (hence the name...go figure) and scary things in a quest to find this thing that killed their mother. Add to this equation a very scared Rachel, and a Bethany with an ACTIVE imagination...you get the picture. I only watch this show when Turshy is around...because my 16 year old sister gives off an aura of "Hey, don't mess with us." and I'll take that where ghosties are concerned!

AUTUMN!!!!!

IT'S FAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!! 

BETHANY. Are you really writing a post JUST to talk about the weather? Well, yes. Yes I am. That and the fact that I've been in the LIBRARY for the past two hours and my brain just officially hit the shut down switch, so I needed something else to do. But enough complaining :) 

Seriously? It's Autumn. Like, the leaves are changing, the nights are cold, I'm walking around in swag pants and a hoodie (in my dorm at least) Autumn. And I'm really enjoying it so far. Also, autumn has some beautiful sunsets. Or maybe that's just South Carolina...but I'm enjoying that too :P  

There is really NO point to this blog post. So if you're looking for one, I'd stop reading now. Just a thought. 

I forgot to write about it earlier, but remember that Pinterest Weekend with the Gibbers from way back when? Well, that actually brought with it the accomplishment of Bucket List item #4: watch The Shining and not DIE from terror. Check! I'm obviously still alive. And breathing. And not...well, terrified. 

Duhduh! That was victorious entry music, just in case you were wondering :) Granted we watched the older version, so I'm sure the newer version of it is doubly terrifying, but for the most part this movie was WEIRD. Just WEIRD. Not even scary weird. WEIRD weird. But the item has been checked off! Which makes 4. Out of....90 something. Oh dear.....

So that's life right now. Classes and homework (LOTS OF HOMEWORK) and cool weather and jeans and chai tea and Savannah trips and wishing I could see people that are currently far away from me in lots of ways. Nighttime runs and football practice (who knew I'd ever be able to say that...) and planning for Fall Break and waking up every morning to God's new mercies because He knows that I need them :) And lots of realizing every morning that God knows what's going to happen as the day continues....and that I need to be patient. I'm not very good at that :P 

So yeah! That's it for now. Because I guess I should get back to this whole "getting homework done" thing....COLLEGELYFE. Can't spell. Over and out! 

p.s. I apologize for the randomness, ridiculousness and overall NO POINT of this whole page. But this doesn't happen TOO often :P I think.....

Faithfulness in Autumn

HAPPY FALL EVERYBODY! 

I'm ridiculously excited. As evidenced by these wonderful fall colors!

September has gone....somewhere. And wherever it's gone it has gone there quickly because there are now only 6 days left. In September. Not that I'm complaining, but seriously. Life is FLYING BY. 

I've been learning a lot about faithfulness this month. In particular, I've been learning a lot about GOD'S faithfulness, in ways that if I'm being honest I'd skip than endure. Don't you wish hard lessons could come a little bit easier? 

I think faithfulness might be one of those words we throw around a lot. I do. You know. "Great is thy faiiiiithfulnesss" and "Oh come, all ye faithful" and "Don't worry honey, God is faithful. He's gonna work this out." But I think I've always assumed in the back of my head that God's faithfulness came into play when my plans lined up with His, and therefore everything worked out the way I was praying it would. I'm just now beginning to realize that SOMETIMES, God's faithfulness is found when the doors I'm praying for close. And I'm not saying that God waits until I get just a liiiittle bit too attached to something and then closes the door, although sometimes it's tempting to think that. I think it's in the fact that He won't let me be satisfied with things of the world because He's designed me with something far more eternal in mind....

I'm so easily satisfied ya'll. And while that can be a good thing, it also means that sometimes I take a blessing and I start being content & finding happiness & joy in THAT THING rather than the Creator who gave me that thing. And if God was a God who just wanted to make us happy that'd be GREAT, but He's not. Because He can see the better things ahead that He's called us for, and He KNOWS that if He lets us keep playing with this little temporary, non-eternal, earthly thing we're going to be missing. out. God's faithfulness is found when He sticks with us, even when we don't want Him to. Even when we get really, really frustrated because we can't imagine what could be better than this thing we were really enjoying. So sometimes, God's faithfulness hurts. Which is a weird concept, because isn't God a God of comfort and blessing and peace and love and all these other good words? Well....yes. 

But personally, I think it's mind blowingly incredible that the God of the universe has the patience and the love for me to stick with me when I say pretty blatantly "Lord, sometimes I want this a little bit more than I want you." And it's kind of convicting to actually write out that I do that, because I don't like admitting it. And not only does He stick with me....He continues to gently prod me and push me towards this better thing, this better plan....this INCREDIBLE ending that's just over the horizon. Which only He knows. But whatever it is, it's GOOD, and will make all this waiting & sadness & pain worth it. 

Yeah. Wow. 

On a MUCH less serious note, I got to spend the week with my bestest friends in Savannah and my LITTLE SISTER!!! She came up to surprise me. And I might have cried a little bit when she got out of the car because that's literally how excited I was....also I'm pretty sure I got NO sleep this weekend which seemed like a really, really good idea at the time. Making memories! 

It wasn't a good idea. But they were some pretty amazing memories :)