Back and Breathing.

Well, it's definitely been a while. And by a while I mean February 5th, which seems like years and a different lifetime ago but was in fact just a handful of months. In the time since I blogged sophomore year has ended, the world has shifted, and as always the Lord has remained the same. 

I'm not going to attempt to sum up sophomore year, or try and put the lessons I've learned into quaint little phrases and sentences. The truth is, I'm still not entirely sure it's sunk into my head and trying to share it with you would be almost impossible. I've experienced emotions I'm not sure there are words for in English....although I'm sure there's some super cultured word in another language for it somewhere.And I'm not entirely sure the experiences that my best friends & I have gone through this year are the kind that should be shared anywhere other than between friends, on a couch, holding hot cups of coffee and watching the sunset -- because they're the kind of life experiences that come to reshape you and your outlook on the world, and there's no way to share them without sharing more than a little bit of yourself. 

So why am I blogging? Mostly because I missed it, and for the first time in almost 2 months the words are starting to form in my head in a way that makes sense.....so capitalizing on that seems like a good idea. And because in the midst of great trials, I have been taught the most important thing is to remember what you knew was true when walking in faith seemed simple and finding the Lord in our midst was easy. So here it goes. 

The Lord is still sovereign. 

The Lord is still faithful.

The Lord is still good. 

The Lord is still glorified. 

And He is still worthy of [my] praise.

I know to you those just read like words on a page, and maybe you don't feel the energy that went into typing them. But for me, even writing them down has taken months of consideration. I used to be the girl that threw these phrases out like they were candy. Phrases like "Man, God is so good" and songs like "It Is Well With My Soul" and "Blessed Be Your Name" rolled off my tongue without a moments hesitation because what I applied them to was small. Encountering death, loss, and a colossal shift in my spiritual understanding for the first time in my life has made me sit down and reconsider what I'm willing to put on the line when I say the Lord can have it all. I've always known in the back of my mind that the Lord didn't promise us an easy life or earthly happiness. I've always read passages like James 1 and known that joy in trials was going to be impossible in my own strength. But for 20 years "trials" has meant not getting the job / boy / grade that I wanted......and now trials means that after nineteen (almost 20) years of life one of my best and dearest friends is basking in the glory of Jesus' face. 

And I'm here. 

To say that the Lord is sovereign means on some level I have to accept that I will never, until I reach heaven, understand why it happened the way that it did. It means that searching for the Lord's goodness and glory just became much harder because I don't like it, and it hurts. It means that joy has just reached a new level of supernatural grace, because I've never been so aware of how impossible it is for me to produce it on my own. 

It means that I have claimed the Lord's faithfulness, sovereignty, goodness, and mercy my entire life, and it is time to prove whether I believe in the unshakable truth of His character and perfect holiness.....or whether I just said those phrases because for a little while, it seemed like His plans lined up with mine. 

The Lord is sovereign. And just, and faithful, and good, and merciful, and I can't grasp it, don't understand it, and perhaps never will. He has answered my prayers for healing, wholeness, and renewal in ways that were more painful but more perfect than I could ever have anticipated. And of course I still have questions....I'm human, and I miss my friend, and our home, and the life that our CIU family enjoyed two months ago. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm quiet in the face of the Lord's grace, sometimes I fall into the unbelievable delusion that I know better than the Lord and wish I could change something. But in the midst of it all, the Lord's grace has been there to catch me even when I try and shove it off with both hands. 

I am still processing how much I don't know. And the Lord is still good. 

Single Awareness.

I fall into the trap sometimes of thinking I'm extremely qualified and ready to be in a relationship. Then I get upset with the Lord for not putting me in one when I'm VERY OBVIOUSLY so ready to be in one.

Which is probably why the Lord has yet to put me in one.....

But I'm getting off subject here ;)

I realized recently (like this past week) that I've never truly been single in my life. Which is ironic because I've never been in an actual relationship with an actual boyfriend....so TECHNICALLY I've been single my entire life. And I'd love to say that I've dealt with it well and drawn closer to the Lord in my singleness, but the truth is I really haven't. Girls have the crazy ability to do this thing where "Hey, wanna go for coffee?" in our head sounds like "Hey, wanna make me coffee for the rest of my life?" and "I'd like to get to know you better" sounds like "I think I'm in love with you marry me." I am awful at taking my thoughts before Christ, and equally awful at guarding my heart so that I don't get too ahead of myself before mystery man's intentions have been made clear. So HOW have I never been truly single?

Because in the midst of everything, I've never sought the Lord purely for the beauty and glory of being in His presence, without some sort of ultimate goal in mind. 

I've sought the Lord in multiple contexts, for multiple reasons, trying to prove to Him one way or another that I was good enough for Boy #1, or mature enough to date Boy #2, but somewhere along the way I get so lost in my motives that I forget that the Lord should be sought for His goodness, and His goodness ALONE....and at some point I start treating the Lord like a divine ATM machine who, when I put in the correct amount of prayer, quiet time, and church going will spit out this perfect man with whom I can ride off into the sunset. NOPE.

I've begun to realize that in the hustle and bustle of trying to get to know whoever the man happens to be I'm hoping pursues me at the time, I've pushed the Lord to the back burner immensely. and that maybe, just maybe, (read: most definitely) I haven't taken the time to get to know my Savior as much as I've pretended to either.

Which essentially means I'm walking around trying to find myself in a relationship that mirrors Christ's unrelenting love and glorifies God, when I've never explored or appreciated the depths of the beauty that is my heavenly Father. It is hard to do relationship well -- but it is impossible to have a relationship that centers on Christ when you've never even taken the time to study or spend enough time with Him to know Him WELL.

Because I don't know my Savior....in all honesty. His faithfulness makes me nervous, because often God's faithfulness plays out in some pretty painful ways that I cannot help but be thankful for, but are not fun. And His unrelenting pursuit and love terrifies me because I cannot escape it, and I know it's going to change me. And if I'm being honest, I love being comfortable where I am. But I am more afraid of becoming complacent and comfortable in a life here on Earth, and having to stand before my Father one day unable to explain when I wasted my time on things of this world when I should have kept my eyes on the things that are eternal.

So here's to the realization that I'm not quite as ready to be girlfriend, wife, and mother as I previously thought.

And here's to God's grace that reveals my frailty to me. It is crazy that He is so willing to be patient and teach me things. Without it I would be lost.

Thankful for the Gospel.

Coming back into school I have been overwhelmed with the faithfulness of the Lord. Not only in the incredible grace shown to me by those the Lord has given me to grow with, but in all the little details of my day that I so easily miss if I start to live too fast, the way He has sustained me over a long break, and way He has so intricately and intimately provided for my needs that so often I take His attention to detail embarrassingly for granted.

I began sophomore year praying the Lord would teach me what humility truly looked like...and I'll honestly confess that at the time most of my motivation was that I knew I could always be a little more humble, and it sounded like a really good and mature prayer to pray. And then when He began to answer I was confused, because the lessons I was learning didn't look anything like I had originally thought they would. Because I forgot that the first step in viewing yourself humbly and accurately before a loving Savior is knowing and remembering exactly what it was the Gospel saved you from. 

Pride for me means forgetting the Lord's kindness and graciousness in shaping me to look more like Him, and assuming that I've done it myself. It's thinking I have the Gospel figured out, because I've heard it so many times that I can spit the words back at you. Because essentially, at the heart of my arrogance, is the phrase  "Lord, I'm not sure I really needed saving." 

And sometimes, just to remind me that I do, the Lord lets me mess up. Romans 1 says that "although they [man] knew God, they neither glorified Him as God or gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened"...and in response God gave them over to the desires of their hearts. Essentially, to punish them for their sinful ways, God allowed them to do what they wanted to do. And by the grace of God it's not often, but when I begin to take credit for the sanctifying grace of a perfect, holy God, I need to be reminded of my own depravity. 

That Bethany before grace, before the Gospel, is not this slightly disheveled, slightly disorganized person that just needs a little growth and a little work. I'm broken, dirty, sinful, depraved, and separated forever from the presence of the very one that created me, because I'm so fallen that I wouldn't even know I needed to be pulled out of the pit I'd put myself into if Christ hadn't relentlessly pursued me first. 

The reminder of just how much I don't deserve the grace, love and forgiveness of Christ, coupled with the joy that He has freed me from the law, has brought the Gospel to the forefront of my mind this week, and though the humbling is not fun I cannot help but be overwhelmingly thankful that God is gracious enough to take the time to teach me and break my heart of pride. I am thankful that He is steadfast comfort when the nights are long, patience when I cannot wait for the future, fills me with grace when I need to give it, and will not stop hitting me over the head with the Gospel when I am ashamed of how much I don't deserve it. 

I am thankful He puts me back together when I have taken myself apart, and that He is faithful not to my desires but to His perfect plan and endless glory. I am thankful that He does not keep me comfortable, and I am thankful He is more concerned with bringing Himself glory than with keeping me happy or giving me what I want when I want...and I am thankful for the promises written out that I can read when I start to forget.  

And I am thankful that I have roommates, friends, best friends, and family that demonstrate the concepts of grace, faithfulness, compassion, love, and hard-spoken truth to me when I need it. Which is daily :) 

Here's to second half of our second year. May the Lord never let me become comfortable or complacent about my knowledge of Him :) 

Finding Joy.

This weekend the curtain in Hoke Auditorium rose and fell with three performances of Play On. And as the curtain fell for the very last time, I came to the startling conclusion that I'd grown to really appreciate and enjoy the group of people I'd walked through the last 10 weeks with. In the midst of Herm finals and mid-semester stress, they'd become a reasonably safe place where I could come and pretend to be someone else for a little bit....no Bible dictionaries and hard conversations required. A mini-family. Of course, the typical "oh we're gonna hang out still!"s were exchanged, but there's a subtle, unspoken acknowledgement that it won't be the same anymore. And even though it seems like a lesson I'm learning late, I'm beginning to learn that life ebbs and flows in sections, and they can come and go before you ever learn how to fully appreciate them for what they are. 

Sophomore year is hard....probably the hardest year of life I've walked through yet. But I think, as absolutely ridiculous as it sounds, I'm learning to appreciate it for what it is: growth and destruction and joy in the midst of pain and uncomfortability and inconvenience. And I think as I begin to appreciate sophomore year, I'm beginning to realize that though it's my hardest, this might be one of my favorite years yet. 

It has been a year thus far of the Lord re-breaking the bones of my soul that I have allowed to grow back together crookedly and misaligned on their own....and it has been painful and has humbled me time and time again. And it seems weird to think that in the midst of this kind of confusion and questioning of the things I thought I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there could be joy, and yet there is. 

Because the weaker and more fragile I become, the more aware I become of the over-encompassing, overwhelming strength and power of the Gospel. I've been so guilty of attributing myself the work in my life that so directly falls from the extension of God's grace....I've credited myself with working my way to humility, with teaching myself grace, with loving people well because I just happen to be a compassionate person and it comes easy. And it seems so abnormal to think that I dread all the stress and anxiety and questions and uncertainty ending....but with it comes a daily dependence on Christ that I have never experienced before because if we're being honest I've never realized my need for it before. 

It's strange to think that hardship could be a gift....and yet it is. A gifting and ability to experience God's grace and mercy in ways that I've never had opportunity to before. I fall so often into the temptation of assuming I know the Lord's plan and purpose, and I forget that sometimes the things I point at and say "Lord this is good" aren't, and the things I ask the Lord to take away I shouldn't. 

So here's to joy in the midst of sophomore year, grace that comes in strange wrappings, and the realization AGAIN that I don't even begin to have God figured out....to learning that staying home with a cup of coffee and an open Bible can sometimes bring just as much healing as driving to a people-full building and listening to the pastor....to discovering that John Mayer really does comprise the perfect study session playlist....and to looking for the Lord in the little things so He is glorified ever more in the bigger ones. 

And here's to all the really jumbled up thoughts coming out of my mind. I don't know if they make sense, but here's hoping that maybe they do :) 

Sophomore Study Breaks: "It'll be good one day."

I think I'm just now beginning to realize how much of my life I spend in the future....

Lately life has been rough. Rough on roommates, rough in schoolwork, rough from praying that 10 very busy people can somehow pull together a three act play well enough to get a few chuckles from their friends and family. And usually [and by usually I mean 100% always] when people ask me how I'm doing and I reply "not that great but it's alright", after the pity sighs and the comforting shoulder pats my response is "Yeah....but God's using it. This'll be good one day."

One day as in not now and if not now then......when?

One thing I'm learning to cling to this year is the immutability of God....a fancy, theological term which basically means God doesn't change ever. And if God is all good, all knowing, perfection today, tomorrow and forever, then doesn't that mean that what I'm going through is good....now?

Good when it hurts. Good in the midst of tears. Good when I'm frustrated because I don't even know if I have words to write how I'm feeling...which is new for me. Good when I'm empty of all grace and all love. Good when there's no way of knowing how you're growing, only that you are.

I think so often I look at the future and see this vague, fuzzy outline of the woman I might be after all the growth and hardship and patience and I point down the road and say "I wanna be there" and I forget that the way to get there is to be thankful for the hardship that's happening now.

Because as much as we hate it and as much as it hurts, the honest truth is that if hard things never happen, we never ask the hard questions....and if the hard questions don't get asked, then you might grow on the surface but the roots of what you're learning won't get down deep into the heart of who you are. And QUITE honestly, when things are going well, sometimes we forget that it's the Lord that holds everything together and that gets us up in the mornings, and we start to think that maybe, just maybe, we can do this whole life thing on our own.

I had this wonderful picture in my mind of who I wanted to be going into Sophomore year....what I wanted to do with my life, the kind of person I wanted to be, and the kind of person I wanted to marry. To say that God has ripped through that and significantly re-oriented me would be an understatement. And it's hard....really hard. I'm the kind of person who thrives on having a foundation I know won't be shaken....and I also am guilty incredibly often of building that foundation on things of this world that crumble and fall apart all too quickly. And I've complained and whined and stomped my feet before the Lord, but I'm beginning to realize this is good and I'm thankful for it.....and that in this God is being glorified in ways that take me out of the picture completely.

So here's to the "God will use this one day" becoming "God is using this now and I'm blown away by His faithfulness." Maybe this was just rambling, but it's something that's been on my heart a lot lately. And now, to close, enjoy this picture of Charleston. Because it's one of my favorite cities, and because it's absolutely beautiful :)

 Here. Have two :)