Finding Joy.

This weekend the curtain in Hoke Auditorium rose and fell with three performances of Play On. And as the curtain fell for the very last time, I came to the startling conclusion that I'd grown to really appreciate and enjoy the group of people I'd walked through the last 10 weeks with. In the midst of Herm finals and mid-semester stress, they'd become a reasonably safe place where I could come and pretend to be someone else for a little bit....no Bible dictionaries and hard conversations required. A mini-family. Of course, the typical "oh we're gonna hang out still!"s were exchanged, but there's a subtle, unspoken acknowledgement that it won't be the same anymore. And even though it seems like a lesson I'm learning late, I'm beginning to learn that life ebbs and flows in sections, and they can come and go before you ever learn how to fully appreciate them for what they are. 

Sophomore year is hard....probably the hardest year of life I've walked through yet. But I think, as absolutely ridiculous as it sounds, I'm learning to appreciate it for what it is: growth and destruction and joy in the midst of pain and uncomfortability and inconvenience. And I think as I begin to appreciate sophomore year, I'm beginning to realize that though it's my hardest, this might be one of my favorite years yet. 

It has been a year thus far of the Lord re-breaking the bones of my soul that I have allowed to grow back together crookedly and misaligned on their own....and it has been painful and has humbled me time and time again. And it seems weird to think that in the midst of this kind of confusion and questioning of the things I thought I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there could be joy, and yet there is. 

Because the weaker and more fragile I become, the more aware I become of the over-encompassing, overwhelming strength and power of the Gospel. I've been so guilty of attributing myself the work in my life that so directly falls from the extension of God's grace....I've credited myself with working my way to humility, with teaching myself grace, with loving people well because I just happen to be a compassionate person and it comes easy. And it seems so abnormal to think that I dread all the stress and anxiety and questions and uncertainty ending....but with it comes a daily dependence on Christ that I have never experienced before because if we're being honest I've never realized my need for it before. 

It's strange to think that hardship could be a gift....and yet it is. A gifting and ability to experience God's grace and mercy in ways that I've never had opportunity to before. I fall so often into the temptation of assuming I know the Lord's plan and purpose, and I forget that sometimes the things I point at and say "Lord this is good" aren't, and the things I ask the Lord to take away I shouldn't. 

So here's to joy in the midst of sophomore year, grace that comes in strange wrappings, and the realization AGAIN that I don't even begin to have God figured out....to learning that staying home with a cup of coffee and an open Bible can sometimes bring just as much healing as driving to a people-full building and listening to the pastor....to discovering that John Mayer really does comprise the perfect study session playlist....and to looking for the Lord in the little things so He is glorified ever more in the bigger ones. 

And here's to all the really jumbled up thoughts coming out of my mind. I don't know if they make sense, but here's hoping that maybe they do :) 

Sophomore Study Breaks: "It'll be good one day."

I think I'm just now beginning to realize how much of my life I spend in the future....

Lately life has been rough. Rough on roommates, rough in schoolwork, rough from praying that 10 very busy people can somehow pull together a three act play well enough to get a few chuckles from their friends and family. And usually [and by usually I mean 100% always] when people ask me how I'm doing and I reply "not that great but it's alright", after the pity sighs and the comforting shoulder pats my response is "Yeah....but God's using it. This'll be good one day."

One day as in not now and if not now then......when?

One thing I'm learning to cling to this year is the immutability of God....a fancy, theological term which basically means God doesn't change ever. And if God is all good, all knowing, perfection today, tomorrow and forever, then doesn't that mean that what I'm going through is good....now?

Good when it hurts. Good in the midst of tears. Good when I'm frustrated because I don't even know if I have words to write how I'm feeling...which is new for me. Good when I'm empty of all grace and all love. Good when there's no way of knowing how you're growing, only that you are.

I think so often I look at the future and see this vague, fuzzy outline of the woman I might be after all the growth and hardship and patience and I point down the road and say "I wanna be there" and I forget that the way to get there is to be thankful for the hardship that's happening now.

Because as much as we hate it and as much as it hurts, the honest truth is that if hard things never happen, we never ask the hard questions....and if the hard questions don't get asked, then you might grow on the surface but the roots of what you're learning won't get down deep into the heart of who you are. And QUITE honestly, when things are going well, sometimes we forget that it's the Lord that holds everything together and that gets us up in the mornings, and we start to think that maybe, just maybe, we can do this whole life thing on our own.

I had this wonderful picture in my mind of who I wanted to be going into Sophomore year....what I wanted to do with my life, the kind of person I wanted to be, and the kind of person I wanted to marry. To say that God has ripped through that and significantly re-oriented me would be an understatement. And it's hard....really hard. I'm the kind of person who thrives on having a foundation I know won't be shaken....and I also am guilty incredibly often of building that foundation on things of this world that crumble and fall apart all too quickly. And I've complained and whined and stomped my feet before the Lord, but I'm beginning to realize this is good and I'm thankful for it.....and that in this God is being glorified in ways that take me out of the picture completely.

So here's to the "God will use this one day" becoming "God is using this now and I'm blown away by His faithfulness." Maybe this was just rambling, but it's something that's been on my heart a lot lately. And now, to close, enjoy this picture of Charleston. Because it's one of my favorite cities, and because it's absolutely beautiful :)

 Here. Have two :) 

Recently.

Recently my life has been taken over by homework (also pronounced hermwork) and play practice. Free time, though few and far between, has been spent with incredible friends and occasionally they even get incorporated into the hermwork.

Recently I've gotten to explore Charleston with some of my very best friends and spend a weekend relaxing, exploring, singing, watching the sun rise out of the ocean, and walking through the day with the wind in my face and sand between my toes. I tried to skimboard once. Roughly a billion pictures were taken. My feet hate me because of all the walking, but it was so very well worth it :)

Recently God has been incredibly faithful and done what I would have called impossible a mere three weeks ago. I have been reminded of His power and glory, and the absolute perfection of His character. I am so thankful that I serve a Savior who delights in surprising when it is least expected, and occasionally throws curveballs.

Recently I've become addicted to Boyce Avenue and a handful of other cover bands. This comes with a new, growing desire to learn how to play guitar.

Recently I've been reminded how much life is carried by daily gifts of God's grace that we miss if we're moving too fast :) I am beyond thankful for my roommate, because I literally (used CORRECTLY here people) don't know what I'd do without her. The business of sophomore year has made me appreciate and cherish more the amount of time I do get with friends and family, even when it is few and far between.

Recently life has been hard....but it has been so SO good :)

Hidden Away in Possum Kingdom : Spring Break 2012

Look at me blogging away two days in a row! Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but in the midst of college this is such a bigger deal than I'm writing it like. I'm actually doing a small happy dance. Inside that is :D 

Today is another Blogtember prompt [which I have been AWFUL about keeping up with] and it's incredibly simple: a memory you would love to relive

This took me no time at all to think about, and it's pretty much my go to answer for this question. Friends, I introduce you to Spring Break 2012: Possum Kingdom Version

December 2011, I was getting ready to head home for Christmas break from Impact 360. Right before we jumped onto planes and into vans Colton, my fellow Texan, mentioned how fantastic it would be if we spent Spring Break roadtripping down to Texas for the week and then back up to Georgia. We mostly laughed, until London [Texan #2] mentioned that he just happened to have a lake house down on Possum Kingdom Lake. The laughter quieted down a little bit as people stopped imagining and started glancing at each other, and 4 months later March ended, April dawned, and 24ish Impacters were loading up 3 cars and Dallas bound. 

We spent a couple of days in Dallas, and then headed out to the lake. The drive was beautiful and nothing but backroad interstate...and finally we ended up HERE

We stayed at London's.....just enough space to be cozy & seperate all at the same time. Mornings dawned late and nights ended later. We spent hours lounging in the hot tub, before finally spreading and settling down for the night. We went cliff jumping and jet skiing and even went on a late afternoon sunset adventure hike, and I got to know my friends on a deeper level than ever before.

This was our fuzzy caterpillar. Me & the best friend found this little guy one afternoon when he was using the pool and I was sleeping on the side. We took about a billion pictures, and named him Wilbur....and then the best friend creeped pictures of me curled up in the sun. 

The sunsets were beautiful, the conversations were priceless, and of all the moments that hold my heart this week contained most. One last memory (and a few more pictures) and you're free to escape ;) 

Our second day there, the morning started w/ rain. The wind whistled across the porch and brought with it the last chilly morning of spring. Best friend and I curled up on the porch outside, pulled out the old school Nintendo 64, wrapped blankets around our shoulders, tucked freezing toes under warmer legs, and played James Bond until the rain stopped. I say "played"....he played, I embarrassed myself, then died alot, then lost :D We played until the rain stopped, slid down the stair case, laughed at how wet we got landing in the grass, and tucked up in the garage in the golf cart to talk. And then we talked for hours.  

Rainclouds broke into a beautiful sunset, and I laid on the grass to snap a picture of the sun rising out of the earth. We trotted to the gazebo in the background, me giggling because I couldn't find words for how content I was. He danced me around, made fun of me, and laid out exactly how he would use this gazebo in a scene from a movie - IF he could shoot one ;) 

I smiled on the outside. Inside was all happy dance. 

While the rest of the world rolled by [and we forgot it existed] the sun slipped into the lake, no ripples, all reflection. 

We walked back to the house, watched the world fall asleep, sat on the couch, and talked till the sun came up. 

He remembered stories and I laughed at the good parts and when the bad came around I cried for someone else for the first time. 

It was the perfect week. 

And there ladies and gentlemen, you have the description of my perfect day & my most treasured memory :) 

All rolled into one! 

Why I Started.

Someone asked me why I started blogging the other day....just a curious, casual, hey this seems important to you and I want to get to know you question. And I realized that even though the answer can be condensed to a simple little "I kinda like to write!" there's actually a lot more too it than that :) So here's my slightly more thought out, took the time to reminisce answer to that question. Here we go.

I started blogging at Impact 360, a 9 month gap year program that went for my head and ended at my heart. I started blogging because I never in a million years thought anyone would read it, but I needed to know that my thoughts, doubts and questions weren't staying in my head. I started blogging because the one of the greatest joys I've ever experienced is looking back through a computer screen to a little Texas girl sitting in a Pine Mountain dorm room, and knowing that I don't have to tell her to be careful because we make it. I started blogging because memories deserve recording and people need encouraging and I've been blessed with some of the best friends in the entire world. 

I started blogging because somewhere between living the trials and actually writing it down, ink bleeds out onto paper in lines that start connecting, and somewhere in the midst of a fallen, crazy, grasping, reaching life you start to see the Gospel thread of Christ. 

The blogging community is something that's kind of taken off in the last few years....women write posts about common, everyday life and thousands upon thousands of people read it and comment and all of a sudden they start to go places. And I think for a while I was jealous of that, because who doesn't want someone to look at their writing and wonderings and say "HEY, that's FANTASTIC!" But I think, in a crazy way, I'm glad that's not me :) 

Because somewhere along the way, I started blogging because I wanted a little corner of the world that I could invite people into. I wanted somewhere to share my story, share my thoughts, that didn't require me being spread 100 different places at once. I wanted somewhere Christ could work in my words....because when I start typing, things actually start making sense :) 

Here's to random late night musings. Sophomore year, I'mma come at chu.