Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Single Awareness.

I fall into the trap sometimes of thinking I'm extremely qualified and ready to be in a relationship. Then I get upset with the Lord for not putting me in one when I'm VERY OBVIOUSLY so ready to be in one.

Which is probably why the Lord has yet to put me in one.....

But I'm getting off subject here ;)

I realized recently (like this past week) that I've never truly been single in my life. Which is ironic because I've never been in an actual relationship with an actual TECHNICALLY I've been single my entire life. And I'd love to say that I've dealt with it well and drawn closer to the Lord in my singleness, but the truth is I really haven't. Girls have the crazy ability to do this thing where "Hey, wanna go for coffee?" in our head sounds like "Hey, wanna make me coffee for the rest of my life?" and "I'd like to get to know you better" sounds like "I think I'm in love with you marry me." I am awful at taking my thoughts before Christ, and equally awful at guarding my heart so that I don't get too ahead of myself before mystery man's intentions have been made clear. So HOW have I never been truly single?

Because in the midst of everything, I've never sought the Lord purely for the beauty and glory of being in His presence, without some sort of ultimate goal in mind. 

I've sought the Lord in multiple contexts, for multiple reasons, trying to prove to Him one way or another that I was good enough for Boy #1, or mature enough to date Boy #2, but somewhere along the way I get so lost in my motives that I forget that the Lord should be sought for His goodness, and His goodness ALONE....and at some point I start treating the Lord like a divine ATM machine who, when I put in the correct amount of prayer, quiet time, and church going will spit out this perfect man with whom I can ride off into the sunset. NOPE.

I've begun to realize that in the hustle and bustle of trying to get to know whoever the man happens to be I'm hoping pursues me at the time, I've pushed the Lord to the back burner immensely. and that maybe, just maybe, (read: most definitely) I haven't taken the time to get to know my Savior as much as I've pretended to either.

Which essentially means I'm walking around trying to find myself in a relationship that mirrors Christ's unrelenting love and glorifies God, when I've never explored or appreciated the depths of the beauty that is my heavenly Father. It is hard to do relationship well -- but it is impossible to have a relationship that centers on Christ when you've never even taken the time to study or spend enough time with Him to know Him WELL.

Because I don't know my all honesty. His faithfulness makes me nervous, because often God's faithfulness plays out in some pretty painful ways that I cannot help but be thankful for, but are not fun. And His unrelenting pursuit and love terrifies me because I cannot escape it, and I know it's going to change me. And if I'm being honest, I love being comfortable where I am. But I am more afraid of becoming complacent and comfortable in a life here on Earth, and having to stand before my Father one day unable to explain when I wasted my time on things of this world when I should have kept my eyes on the things that are eternal.

So here's to the realization that I'm not quite as ready to be girlfriend, wife, and mother as I previously thought.

And here's to God's grace that reveals my frailty to me. It is crazy that He is so willing to be patient and teach me things. Without it I would be lost.