Monday, June 8, 2015

Almost A Year Later

The last time I sat down to type out a blog post was last August, a few weeks before I headed back to South Carolina for weddings, reunions, and my junior year of college. I remember sitting in front of my computer, hands poised over the keyboard, waiting for some sort of inspiration. As the minutes ticked by I shifted from waiting for inspiration, to waiting for any sort of traceable or write-about-able feelings (welcome back to the words that aren't actually words). Eventually I just sat and waited for ANY sort of thought that would actually allow itself to be voiced or communicated, before finally having to admit that the only thought running circles in my head was: I miss Daniel.

It was Junior Year, and I missed Daniel.
I was on my way back to South Carolina, and I missed Daniel.
Classes were starting, and I missed Daniel. And on it went.

Then we got back & the school year took off & I started to lose myself in new memories and new friends and old friendships that felt new again. And it was good. I lost myself in the theater program and our theater babies and so many wonderful things and thought "this is where I want to be".

But after a few months, my world started to numb down. The highs weren't so high, and the lows weren't so low, and eventually everything evened out in a kind of mundane, lukewarm, repetitive form of existence. I got up and I went to class and I saw my friends and I was happy and sometimes sad, but not much seemed to matter. I started to realize that I had questions & doubts & deep issues at the very heart of who I was about God & goodness & hope & what it meant to cling to Christ in a world where it seemed like nothing was certain and everyone faded in and out. And I got scared. So I retreated back into the now several months old, painful but simple mantra: I missed Daniel.

I was sad because I missed him. I was hurting because I missed him. I was upset and doubting and restless and seeking peace because I missed him. And eventually it just became something I defensively went to when life was hard: this awful thing had happened, so of course I wasn't okay. After a while I stopped feeling altogether.

But God, because He's God, was insanely persistent....and eventually I had to admit that there was a lot going on that actually had nothing to do with Daniel, and everything to do with me. I didn't know where to start, so I just never did. And God, again because He's God, was insanely good and handed me a lot of people who, all this past semester, loved me an insane amount & never stopped. Ever. They still do it on an almost daily basis. And I started to feel things again.

So there it is. The reason I haven't written anything in almost a year, is because for almost a year I've had nothing to say. I had no answers, and I had no fixes, and I had absolutely nothing to contribute past "life hurts right now, and that's rough". But after a year of what I believe was the Lord giving me an insane amount of space & loving me like crazy from far away through wonderful beautiful people I never expected, I'm finally starting to think about some of the things I've learned. The most important of which I've found is:

The church is insanely important. And I don't mean the church in the building down the street that meets on Sundays....I mean the body of Christ. Christians, doing life together, Monday through Saturday. People who walk up and ask "are you okay" and legitimately want you to tell them if you're not. Friends who sit up with you until 4 AM because you cried for an hour, then laughed hysterically at things that weren't that funny for two, and appreciated it when they said nothing & kind of made fun of you before they sent you to bed :p Family that aren't family because blood, but are because Gospel. And clearly I should be more eloquent with this, and probably will be at some point, but there it is.

As always (it seems like every blog post I come back to this) I am beyond grateful for a God that lets me go nowhere, while also still somehow letting me think I'm running away. I am thankful for a God who watches me & an El Roi who sees me when I think I'm hiding. I am thankful for the way He loves me through my friends, my theater family, my ACTUAL family, and the close circle of beautifuls that have seen & taken care of me every single day. And I'm thankful for grace, because this year has shown me more than anything that I don't even know the questions to ask, much less the answers to look for.

So here's to my blog taking on a slightly new twist. I probably won't write as much, and it might not be as "easily wrapped up in a bow" as previously. Life has become significantly more complicated, or at least it seems like it right now. But I suppose that's essentially what growing up but trying not to grow old means. And we'll see how it goes.