Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Ignorant Wonder

Tonight, I sit in wonder of the vast amount of things I do not know. The mountains of concepts I do not understand. The beautiful complexity of concepts that I had previously believed to be simple. 
I do not understand the gospel. I  do not even begin to comprehend my overwhelming need for a savior. I can write, type, and repeat over and over to myself the depths of my sin. I KNOW my need for salvation. But I don't believe it. I don't feel it. I have never been brought to my knees and broken by the sheer intensity of Christ's love and redemption. 
Oh Lord, break me. 
Bring me to tears at the depths of your love. 
May I be so overwhelmed with your unending grace that I overflow, so bursting with your mercies that my earthly, human vessel shatters in the wake of your glory. 
Lord, may I understand your longing. 
Lead me to believe that you long for me. That you cherish me. That you so value me that you sent your only son to take my punishment, because you would rather that than spend all of eternity separated from me. 
You have bought me. You own me, and I am yours. Yours alone. 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Oh Christmas Trees!!

Well, just like predicted Thanksgiving has come. And happened. And gone :D I'm pretty sure I ate my WEIGHT in cajun turkey (weird concept, but DELICIOUS) and red velvet cake. And looking back on it now, I think my family's thanksgiving food menu is a liiiiiitle bit untraditional. oh well! It's more exciting that way!
Now, while waving goodbye to Mamaw for the next 2 or 3 weeks and looking forward, it's hard to believe that it's already almost Christmas time. With that comes several very serious realizations....
1. 2012 is almost here. Weirdly enough I remember looking back last year and  thinking that it was almost 2011 and that was my graduating year :D It's weird how much time flies!! Also, it's really strange to think about just how many of the friends I thought were going to be "life long" have moved on.....and how many truly life long friends God has now blessed me with :)

2. With the coming of Christmas, also means that we are about 1/2 through the year at Impact 360. This is weird. Kind of scary. How is it possible that I've met, bonded with, and come to love and cherish these 32 people so quickly? It's hard to imagine "college" without waking up to all of them every day. At the same time,  I know God is going to do CRAZY things with our class....but that means He might have to spread us out to do it :) 

Anyhoo!! Now that it actually IS technically allowed to celebrate Christmas (even though apparently half my class missed the after Thanksgiving memo :P) I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited. So! Goodbye pilgrims, turkey, and leaf burning piles.....hello Christmas trees, lights, and cold winter mornings!!!! God is so good!!! 

Also. On to finding the perfect gifts for everyone. this should be awesomely interesting :) 

Monday, November 21, 2011


Oh my what a long and hard week it has been :) In just a few days I'll be on a plane going home to my family, my best friends, and a huge overstuffed turkey with cranberry sauce on the side. It's so exciting! At the same time, I'm not sure whether or not I'm ready to leave Impact 360 friends. And memories. And moments....
So! In light of the upcoming holiday....I am thankful for:
1. Brazil projects, presentations, and teams
2. Car wrecks and Auto Body shops
3. Pamela Sue. Today IS her birthday :)
4. Kindred spirits, even then they're frustrating
5. Boys with eyes that wander, because God must be teaching me something.
6. Feelings that won't go away
7. Lost dates
8. Frustrations of working closely with people I care about
9. Bike rides with Jesus
10. Lessons in indeciseviness
11. Not knowing where the heck God is taking me next

Thursday, November 17, 2011


A concept that's been coming up a lot for me recently has been the idea of freedom within limits. Freedom within limits? Isn't that a contradiction?

I like to push boundaries. A lot. Sometimes, probably a little too much. So the idea of having limits on anything is something that kind of offends me, to a certain extent. And the idea of being FREE when your LIMITED seems like a complete contradiction in my mind. How can you be free to do what you want when your being told what you can and cannot do?

Here's the thing. I think there's a difference between being free to do what you WANT to do, and true freedom. In fact, I know there is. Because maybe being able to do whatever we want isn't really being free at all. And if that's the case, then the idea of having freedom within limits starts to make sense. Because if true freedom is having the ability to do what we know is right, then limits are there to provide us with a couple of extra boundaries just to make sure we don't stray into what isn't supposed to happen.

This whole thing came to mind because I had someone that I respect a lot sit down and tell me that I had to put limits on a friendship that was quickly getting out of hand. And yeah, I didn't like the idea. He said, "but then you'll be able to do anything within those limits. You'll be free to pursue a fulfilling, successful, thriving friendship within your limits. And then maybe as circumstances change the limits move."

Again, the idea of limits. Not a big fan. But I guess it's starting to make a little bit more sense :) Especially in relationships, isn't the whole point of BEING in a relationship that the limits of friendship come off?

YES. and then a very resolute NO.

Cuz then that leads to a whole new set of problems. And then where do the lines get drawn? If the lines just keep getting pushed farther and farther back than there's no point of having lines in the first place at all. Here's where the limits come in. And the freedom to enjoy something to the full extent within the limits that will keep it from turning into something it was never intended to be :)

But the thing is, he was RIGHT. There's a huge overwhelming sense of freedom in just realizing that your friends! And that God has given you these people, not to provide you with a sense of value or to prove to yourself that your "worth" something, but because they're awesome Christians that are walking a walk right alongside you and constantly encouraging. Which is funny, because I've never realized before how encouraging someone could be through their STRUGGLES. Another blog post for another day!!

Anyhoo. This limits idea. Maybe there's something to it after all. Even though part of me still thinks my "rights" or something is being tromped on. New word. Trompage.
And with ends this blog post :D

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I am GOD'S creation!

Our Bible Study is studying the book of James for the next 5 weeks, and every week we get to rotate teachers. Well, this week it was my turn! I got to teach on James 3, which has to do with the taming of the tongue. And at first I was like, this is just gonna be the typical gossip passage about not ripping people apart with your tongue and respecting them because they're created in the image of God and blah blah blah....
I was reading through the passage and stumbled across James 3:9-10.
"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praising and cursing, my brothers and sisters this should not be."
I've always taken this passage to mean, respect others because they're made in the image of God and therefore you should treat them like you wanted to be treated. But when I was reading through it this afternoon all of a sudden it was reflected back on me. For the first time.

All these lies that we believe about ourselves. "I'm not good enough." "I'm not beautiful enough." "No one will ever love me for me." Those aren't just lies about US. They're lies about who GOD created us to be!! We're not just having insecurities and issues with ourselves. We're having issues with a being created in the image of the MOST. HIGH. GOD.

It reminds me of that verse in 1 Samuel 8:7 where God tells Samuel, "it is not you they have rejected....they have rejected me." Of course, it's in a different context, but I feel like the concept still applies. When we look at people and pick them apart, and when we look at OURSELVES and believe SATAN'S. LIES. we're saying that God didn't do a good enough job when He created us. And how DARE we question the God of the universe?

This was just kind of a WHOA moment for me because it's never hit me like that before. We're created in the image of GOD. GOD. God who created the UNIVERSE God. God sovereign and omnipotent and ALL powerful and completely beyond our grasp! Created us! In HIS image!
Such a cool concept. and so beyond what we deserve.

Monday, November 14, 2011


I don't know what God is doing. And to a certain extent I guess no one really does. But I REALLY. DON'T. I feel lost and like I've lost my direction. Like I'm no longer on the path that I originally was. I keep looking for someone to tell what to do and how this ends but no one else knows either. I'm sick of waiting for the world to change. Cleverly placed John Mayer reference. I don't want to be patient anymore. I don't want to wait on the side. And if I'm being completely honest, I'm tired of people telling me to trust God when I'm not even sure I know what that means anymore.
"When I said 'God, I trust you with my future' I meant 'God I trust you to give me the future I have planned for myself.'" Yup, that's basically me. And I know that God has a future picked out for me that is INSANELY better than anything I could ever pick out for myself. But that doesn't make much sense when I look at the things I've picked out for myself and they don't seem BAD. In fact, they seem really great!
In all of this, I still have 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord. And yes, that song did just in fact come on. I guess this is what being thankful and trusting really is. It's when it gets hard. I don't know what to expect tomorrow. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know if I'll like what I do find. Why did I ruin this? Why?
Lord I don't know what your doing. And I don't know how to just stand back and let you do it. even though it stinks, knocking the legs out from underneath me so I CAN'T push back anymore would be just awesome:)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

jumbled pieces of puzzles

So I'm pretty confused right now.  But I know there's a whole lot of random thoughts jumbling around in my head right now, so maybe blogging will help. it typically does ;)
So this week is incredibly overwhelming. Between HUGE amounts of schoolwork (that somehow appeared out of absolutely nowhere) and the huge amount of effort that goes into keeping relationships going through huge amounts of stress (could I say huge any more times in one paragraph?) it's absolutely incredible that God has kept my head from exploding.
It's funny because about an hour ago I couldn't get the thoughts in my head to stop racing, and now there's this really eerie stillness. And it's not even like a "Oh, God is supernaturally calming my thoughts" stillness, it's this shut down, emotionless, numbness. Which is slightly scary. I mean, it's working really well for me right now because thinking too hard about everything that I have to do just leads to this overwhelming sense of things are NEVER going to get done. Which just makes me shut down more. so this is good :)
Then we have the unknown elements of my life that are just icing on an otherwise already sufficatingly heavy cake. I don't know what God's doing in the relationships I have with people in my life. I don't know what role I fill. I don't know how to guard my heart. I don't know how to truly love people. I'm learning how to take my thoughts captive to Christ. I don't know how to shut my mind down enough to calmly think. I don't know how to stop this racing of doubts and insecurities. I don't know how to be enough. I don't know how to accept the answer "no". I don't know how to let go.
And I don't know where I go from here. So.
On the upside, I've never realized how much more amazing worship is when your holding a little boy in your lap. Tonight we had a spontaneous worship night at the Wilbanks' house, and I got to hold their little son Caleb while we were singing. He's probably about 3. And that just made the whole experience that much more incredible.
I love worshiping. And singing.
So I guess I'm thankful for that <3

Friday, November 11, 2011


So, courage is doing the hard things even when your scared about the outcome. Courage is being truthful when it would be easier to bury your feelings. Courage is standing up and respecting yourself when it would be easier to be quiet and fade into the background. Courage is changing into a chocolate caramel cheesecake instead of a vanilla pudding girl ;). 

Courage obviously comes from God, because I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll be honest about this and it will go EXACTLY the way I think it will. I'm scared that it won't make a difference. I'm scared because I don't want to leave when he needs me. I'm scared because I think he'll just find another girl that will fill my role for him.

Courage is standing in the face of fear, standing for the image of God ingrained in me. For the patience that God has called us to in waiting for the man He has planned for us. In waiting for something worth waiting for. In weeding through the fails in order to find the victory. 

To quote (ish) David Blanchard, "In a sense, your putting yourself out there and saying, 'I don't want to just be your vanilla pudding girl.' It's torture and it's cruel to your heart. And when he finally does meet the woman he wants to marry...that's just not a good place to be. Some girls say 'oh, I can't get his love so I'll cozy into his friendship for as long as I can and that will have to be enough.' No. That's not a good idea. Because essentially that's you settling. And you have to have enough respect for yourself to say 'I really value your friendship, but I can't be in this position anymore, and if your feelings ever change and you want to pursue something, then you know how to get in touch with me." 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Brick Wall Realizations

It's amazing when you suddenly sit back and realize God's been working in you. Where did that come from?
Tonight has been an absolutely beautiful, amazing night of undeserved and unexplained joy. Like skipping through the parking lots retardedly (not knowing people were actually sitting at the picnic table) joy.

My friends around me are hurting and I hurt for them too. There are so many problems and so much on campus. So many walls that God is tearing down and so many lives that He is fighting for. It's so exciting to think about how much He's going to DO with the beautiful people overflowing with potential around me. Cuz even though it hurts right now, joy comes with the morning.

JOY. I really love this word.

Part of me realizes this is probably just a mood swing on the beautifully emotional roller coaster that is a relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ. But I've never really been EXCITED about Christ before like I have been about the boys around me, or the stupid moments with friends.

So yeah. I'm thankful for joy filled nights of normality. For hurting that is going to turn into healing. For lives that are about to be changed and ROCKED in a major way :)

OH Lord Jesus, YES <3

Monday, November 7, 2011


Soooo this idea actually came from another friend whose blog I follow.....which means its not THAT original :P But! Since it's November and Thanksgiving is coming's a pretty random list of things I'm thankful for.

1. Just Dance parties and Late night movie nights
2. Unofficial big brothers that God has given me <3
3. Little sisters that are growing up way to fast
4. Tailgating with "family"
5. Spontaneous (not really) 80's GNO's.
6. Friends that make me laugh no matter how retarded their jokes are :D
7. A God that loves me, regardless of how well I understand Him
8. The ability to use words
9. Spontaneous nights of TRUTH at very early hours of the morning with sister friends that love:) 
10. FAMILY<3 
11. Ridiculous roommate nights

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Fears. And then GOD.

Fear #1: That I will wait (out in the rain so to speak) for the rest of my life and no one will fight for me. EVER.
So this fear ties back to about a million insecurities, and we won't go into that. And when I say fight for me, I'm not really sure what I mean by that. Fight for my affections. Fight for my honor (well that sounds incredibly fairy-tale-ish). Simply fight for my right to be recognized as a young woman, created by God, longing for affection? For that realization that I am loved? 
Anyhoo. As I'm typing away at my computer (I'm SUPPOSED to be college applications and leadership journaling, but potato potahto) I decided to look up this verse. I'm kind of obsessed with the idea of "be still" so that makes this verse especially interesting. 
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14
The first time I read this verse, I just kind of took for granted that the Lord fighting for us meant in the areas of direct spiritual warfare. Like....if a member of my family was dying or I was just a complete LOSS for what to do and turned it over to the Lord.
But for some reason when I re-read it this time it didn't mean literally fighting for me. It meant....FIGHTING for me. 
The way a lover fights for their loved one who has temporarily strayed. The way the best friend (whose been in love with the girl since day one) finally decides to fight for her, even though she's chasing after the popular boy that LOOKS good, but is always a jerk in the end. 
"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting...." Proverbs 31:30
As for the be still part? Well. God can drag us kicking and screaming down the path He has planned for us. He can break us until the only place we look to is Him. Or...we can surrender and patiently wait for HIM to fight for US. 
I don't know if I got it out of my head the way I wanted it to. But mind is BLOWN.