Sunday, November 13, 2011

jumbled pieces of puzzles

So I'm pretty confused right now.  But I know there's a whole lot of random thoughts jumbling around in my head right now, so maybe blogging will help. it typically does ;)
So this week is incredibly overwhelming. Between HUGE amounts of schoolwork (that somehow appeared out of absolutely nowhere) and the huge amount of effort that goes into keeping relationships going through huge amounts of stress (could I say huge any more times in one paragraph?) it's absolutely incredible that God has kept my head from exploding.
It's funny because about an hour ago I couldn't get the thoughts in my head to stop racing, and now there's this really eerie stillness. And it's not even like a "Oh, God is supernaturally calming my thoughts" stillness, it's this shut down, emotionless, numbness. Which is slightly scary. I mean, it's working really well for me right now because thinking too hard about everything that I have to do just leads to this overwhelming sense of things are NEVER going to get done. Which just makes me shut down more. so this is good :)
Then we have the unknown elements of my life that are just icing on an otherwise already sufficatingly heavy cake. I don't know what God's doing in the relationships I have with people in my life. I don't know what role I fill. I don't know how to guard my heart. I don't know how to truly love people. I'm learning how to take my thoughts captive to Christ. I don't know how to shut my mind down enough to calmly think. I don't know how to stop this racing of doubts and insecurities. I don't know how to be enough. I don't know how to accept the answer "no". I don't know how to let go.
And I don't know where I go from here. So.
On the upside, I've never realized how much more amazing worship is when your holding a little boy in your lap. Tonight we had a spontaneous worship night at the Wilbanks' house, and I got to hold their little son Caleb while we were singing. He's probably about 3. And that just made the whole experience that much more incredible.
I love worshiping. And singing.
So I guess I'm thankful for that <3

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