Coming back to school after a luxurious Fall Break I am reminded of a memory from my childhood. Whenever we got a significant amount of rain my best friend and I would set up camp about five feet up the road from a drainpipe outside my house. We would then put a huge amount of effort into picking a suitable leaf, and then proceed to race them down the "stream" leading to the drainpipe.
Right now, I feel a lot like that leaf. Swirling and twirling and being caught up in random currents, all headed for this big overwhelming DROP into the unknown. There's so many feelings, so many thoughts, so many REALIZATIONS that the Lord has brought to mind or shown me this week that I feel like the drop into overwhelming frustration and brokenness is getting closer and closer.
Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for everything the Lord has shown me. After being raised in a Christian home with little to no challenges, just being able to question something is a blessing in itself. But when question #1 leads to question #2 and suddenly we're all the way at question #25 and I don't know how in the world it progressed this far, THEN I get a little shaky.
I think the most overwhelming part of ALL of this right now is that I really don't know how to go about fixing it. I mean, if I even CAN fix it, to any degree at all. God's going to have to be behind that one. I feel like I'm a prime candidate for what a friend of mine calls, the "8 inch connection." In my head I know all these basic, simple truths about God and when asked to I can even repeat them. But when the bottom line reaches my heart and I'm asked to legitimately trust and act on those beliefs I begin to see holes.
Questioning, questioning, questioning.
How does one even begin to understand the God of the universe? How do I even begin to feel the impact of the huge sacrifice that He made for me? How can I even BEGIN to comprehend that? It simply doesn't register. How can I understand how truly flawed, decrepit and unbelievably unworthy I am? How can I even begin to find value in something that I don't understand? And how can God be enough and fulfill me in this moment when what I'm really searching for is someone to hug me and tell me that I am loved?
I'm not questioning my faith. But I'm beginning to realize that there is SO. MUCH. about what I always thought of as the "simple" faith of Christianity that I don't understand, so much depth to these "simple" beliefs that I haven't even really began to scratch the surface. Here in lies the overwhelming part.
WHAT IS TRUTH? On a slightly lighter note :P And all of this within the first couple of months at Impact. Jesus help us :)
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