It is almost shameful to admit that after a good 3 months of pounding into my head that it's NOT about me, that I am still stuck in this proud, arrogant, stifling little square of thinking that people expect something of me. And that without delivery I cease to be in essence, me.
Me, me, me. Why is this such a key part of my thinking?
It is also very embarrassing to admit that I'm still struggling with the exact same problems that I entered Impact with. That I still long for an earthly, superficial definition of love. That I am clinging with every, single, desperate part of my human being to the lies and deception that I believe about myself, because I am at a loss for how to embrace the beauty, acceptance and unconditional love that Christ offers.
For I know the good I ought to do, but do not do it. Oh how true this is.
It is overwhelming to realize that part of the reason I feel trapped is due to the suffocating enclosure that I constructed myself! I am unwilling to admit that it hurts because I am unwilling to admit that he has the power over me to make it hurt. I am unwilling to admit that I am jealous because I am unwilling to admit that I yearn for approval. For encouragement. I refuse to admit that I am not okay, because I am scared. That's it. I am scared that by opening the door just a crack, the emotional baggage and utter BLAH-ness will pour out and completely suffocate whoever is reaching out.
BUT WAIT.
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
No amount of emotional baggage can shake Christ. No overwhelming avalanche of insecurities and doubts will ever suffocate Him. He will not be scared away, because He has seen into the depths of my deprived, fallen human heart and said, "She is someone that I want to die for. She is someone that is worth it."
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
How humbling. There is NO GREATER LOVE. Here on earth, or anywhere in the universe. Nowhere. There is no greater comfort. And yet, when Christ died for me I was NOT His friend. My very essence despised Him. Not only did He die for me....He REACHED for me. Drew me out of my emotional crud, out of my inadequacies, fears, insecurities, faults, pride, arrogance, false encouragement. And while I looked at Him through hate filled eyes, He drew me to Himself and whispered "I love you." He fought. For ME.
There IS no greater love....
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