Saturday, June 29, 2013

day 28 & 29: come & forgive.

I'm sticking days 28 & 29 together today because last night I legitimately just ran out of time: come & forgive.

Somewhere in between the Mortal Instruments that I've been reading pretty continuously in preparation for the movie (I'm freaking out at the level of a teenage's kind of sad actually) I picked up Kisses from Katie at the suggestion of the roommate former, Paygirl :) Katie's blog can be found right here. I'm only a chapter in, and it's already one of those books that I'm not sure I want to finish. Not because it's bad, or I'm uninterested....but because a small part of me is a little bit wary of what actually listening to the self-sacrifice and love this book presents will do to me and the way I live. The way I love.

That sounds ridiculous, because learning to love people better SHOULD be a good thing, right? Hypothetically, yes. Watching other people do it, yes. But in my own life, in my own heart, in my safe bed & warm home? The word 'yes' becomes a little harder for my lips to form.

Much like Peter that night on the waters of Galilee, Christ beckons come and I step, hesitating, out of my boat, out of my comfort zone, IF I step out at all. Two steps in and I'm distracted by the world, the people I care about, my own insecurities, my future plans, everything and anything that happens to float by. Christ continues to call: come. I look back at the boat, only a few steps away, because all of a sudden Comfort looks safe and Christ looks too far away to be sure I can make it there all in one piece. And yet we keep moving forward because come is more inviting than the same way move is more desirable than stuck, growing is more exciting than staying where you are, and the future holds more promise than the present.

SCARIER....but promising :)

My second word was forgive, which I've talked a lot about in a blog post I wrote during the school year :)

Forgiveness for me is so much easier when it comes to my life & my heart....when I can gauge damage done, the worth of the person damaging, and myself. My disadvantages (and my hard, unforgiving heart) comes out when people hurt my friends. Because I don't view the people hurting my friends  through the same lenses...all I see are people walking over the people I care about. I forget that people hurt out of hurt hearts, that everyone is broken, and that Christ died for everyone, NOT just the people I'm friends with :P

Forgiveness & control are connected for me...and I know that might sound weird. But I'm so much more comfortable hanging on to the hurt feelings and bitter 'she won't ever be good enough for you' because I'm in control. It's the letting go & understanding that healing people can change that loosens angry fists. And that's scary because healing hearts embrace hurting & vulnerable people, and there's parts of me that don't want to forget that this is the person who HURT MY FRIEND long enough to love them like Christ would....or at least a small, broken impersonation of it :) And then I'm reminded that somewhere, in some situation, to someone, I'm probably the one that did the hurting, the one in need of the forgiving, because I've been the jerk before, and that throws everything into a wonderful and radically uncomfortable perspective :)

One more day of Blog-a-Day in June....I can't believe how fast this month has flown by!

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